For straight boys, for example, it’s a numbers game. Simply by existing as a woman on the site I receive a handful of unsolicited messages each day. Write something coherent, interesting, and personalized or cute and chances are you’ll rise above the crowd. Women may seem like sphinx-like enigmas — waiting to consume you, nom nom — but in fact we’re all waiting for you to write us about how much you like tofu sculptures (like ice sculptures, get it?)… at least, I am.

Message: “Hello! I’m not a couple, but I do love (a) vegetarian restaurants and (b) to bite people. How did you pick up on that from my profile? The little floating robot thinks we both like neutral milk hotel and by god he is correct, WELL DONE FLOATING ROBOT.”
Earned points for: This boy I “poked” first, but he’s the one who put out this brief but adorable, funny message. I can tell that, at least in internet land, our senses of humor match up nicely.

Message: “You seem like a colorful and fun person who I would like to be friends with. I live in the Sacramento area, but I do frequent the bay area once and awhile on weekends… So hopefully I didn’t talk your eyes off… hmmm…that doesn’t sound as good as I thought it would. Anyway, I hope that this message finds you in good spirits and that we might have a conversation soon.”
Earned points for: Tons of personal detail (not included here, to protect, as a voice from Nick-at-Night’s Dragnet will always say in my mind, the innocent), a bubbly personality, the willingness to be kooky.

Message: “:-)”
Earned points for: Brevity, confidence, huggability. Admittedly, this sort of message really only says, “Hey, you look cool. Check out my profile.” But if that profile is equally fun and appealing, it works.

Message: “Puppies!”
Earned points for: My profile used to mention, in the “I spend a lot of time thinking about” category, something along the lines of “sex… or puppies.” I’m a sucker for my own tactics, apparently, because this tidbit of a message made me way too happy.

Message: “Hiya! Saw you on my stalkers list. It’s handy! Thought you and your profile were cute and interesting… I used to live in SF for two years, and since I was vegetarian that whole time, I have a few suggestions… ps. welcome to the City!”
Earned points for: Casual, friendly premise for writing, personable, enthusiastic, but down-to-earth tone.

Message: “Hey, I like board games and steampunk and…
um, we might need to be friends.”
Earned points for: This is exactly the kind of message I would send someone. Well done! Hmm, this is like how I think curvy redheads are cute, isn’t it?

Message: “Though I’m far away I would very much love to hear from you. As you said it’s good to hear from fellow kinksters. I feel like I’m the only one where I am… See if you want to chat maybe after reading my profile. I’d love to hear from you.”
Mistake: Though this user gets points for sharing my interests and having read my profile (I mention welcoming shout-outs from “fellow friendly pervs”) the fact that he lives 1,997 miles away — and that I’m not currently looking for cybersex research partners — means he’d have to blow me out of the interweb water for me to even read his profile.

Message: “just read and enjoyed your profile. definately a fan of spanking, calling naughty, name calling, pinning your wrists down, etc. oh wow. used to be totally into cyber stuff too, though haven’t done it in awhile. hope you’re havin a fun night.”
Mistake: Okay, in my profile I do come right out and say I’m a bi, poly sub, but read more carefully, OKC-goers: under “looking for” I don’t list random hookups. Even if I did, I’d take it as a red flag that you jump right into the a la carte sex menu before even introducing yourself.

Message: “So interesting professional skill you’ve got there, cybersex. I’m still working at it. HA! Hows it going? So I”m curious what your looking for on here since it looks like your married?”
Mistake: Call me a hypocrite — or just a sex writer wary of sex — but this comes on too strong as well. Let’s bond over how adorable Welsh corgi puppies are or something before we come to the mutual understanding that first and foremost what you want is to get into my pants.

Message: “Hi there! How are you this morning? saw your profile and thought i’d say hello. Have you been a member here on okc long? I’ve been on for a few months, but its not working as well i hoped it would. Anyways, i read through your profile and noticed that you are poly.. I am as well.. So i thought i’d look around on here and set up a group of poly friends to get to know. So if you’re interested, or just up for a good chat, send me a message sometime :p hope to hear from you!”
Mistake: There’s nothing particularly striking here — beyond the fact that this user is also poly and lives in my city — but to be frank the deciding factor wasn’t the content of his message, it was his photos. I didn’t find him attractive. Cruel? I’m hoping it’s more like honest.

Message: “I just wanted to drop by and say hi (which it appears I accomplished). I am quite new to the city (moved here from Iowa about 5 months ago) and am always in search of new, awesome people to hang out with. A little about me; I am a fun, energetic, and intelligent human being… While a relationship that was something more then friends would always be welcome I am basically looking for new friends at the time… If I sound like someone you would like to get to know please send me a message back.”
Mistake: While this is a sweet, endearingly vulnerable message — three full paragraphs in its full form — it’s the equivalent of a form letter. How many people did this nice young man send it to? You wouldn’t do it when applying for a job so don’t do it to me, buddy. But, you know, good luck with the friends and stuff.

Message: “hey fellow perv just dropping a line, i knwo you wont respond but at least had to try, good luck.”
Mistake: Grammar, punctuation, spelling, general laziness, too much self-deprecation, no photo (which just screams middle-aged and scraggly). I certainly don’t mind being called a “fellow perv,” but at least do it with competency.

Message: “How are you? Wanna chat?”
Mistake: Brief is different than meaningless. Give me something, anything to work with, buddy.

Message: “i don’t know why…but you remind me a lot of gilian anderson, aka dana skully from the x-files. i kind of dig the paranormal.”
Mistake: Ok, as a recovering X-Files geek, I take this as an actual compliment. If only the person sending it had a photo. Or the ability to hit the shift key.

Message: “hey, third eye blind is not only from San Francisco, but they are pretty darn groovy. I’m diggin’ your approach to this life of ours. Nicely done, miss.”
Mistake: Third Eye Blind, which I mention liking in my profile as the most embarrassing thing I’m willing to admit to, is in fact not groovy. Nor should anyone use that word. Ever. Another phrase that should never be uttered: “I’m diggin’ your approach to this life of ours.”

Message: “so you like to have sex then? , is that what your saying is what mind thinks., dunno how’s life and whats the color of your sky?”
Mistake: This is somewhere between transparent and insane. My synesthesia is not an excuse to message me without a command of the English language.

Message: “nice to meet some one that enjoys sex as much as I do. If you want to hang out and get knocked around and fucker in all your holes I would love to be the one to do so ;) I’m a nice Irish guy that likes to have a lot of fun in the bedroom. Let me know if I interest you :)”
Mistake: Are you a nice Irish guy? Are you really? Because somehow I’m just not buying it.

As cybersex enthusiasts, this tells us a number of things. First off, we are not so unusual as people think. It is not because we are not cut off from human contact by the ennui of the technological age that causes us to seek emotionally removed forms of sexual interaction. On a personal level, sure, we may have reasons for keeping others at a computer’s distance, but the phenomenon of searching for others in far away places with whom to share pleasures apparently has a history as long as magazine circulations and the United States Postal Service.

Similarly, the internet didn’t turn us into pervs. People have been craving intense sexual experiences — and turning to those outside of their real-life circles to realize them — for longer than the world wide web has existed. The only difference is that back in the day those who felt isolated in their tastes or orientations had to risk breaking the law to correspond so frankly with others who shared their interests.

Lastly, here is further proof that there’s indeed something tantalizing about the written word — whether that word gets drawn out longingly on a page with a decadently dripping fountain pen, or typed across a screen. The act of letter writing, like the act of text-based cybersex or sending erotic emails, becomes sexually charged as sentences are sent back and forth between anxious readers. Not just bibliophiles or social outcasts, the people in Leigh’s book are manly men, well-to-do housewives, “normal” members of society who find themselves aroused by the language at their fingertips. They are our predecessors.