May 20th, 2009

I’ve seen so many awful Ok Cupid profiles lately — so many ugly photos of boys who turn out to be cute, so many self-descriptions that involve “experiencing life in the fullest” — that I jokingly considered selling my services as an online dating consultant. After all, I’ve done lots of work on dating sites, and I have way too much experience as an editor for my own good (No, I will not just give your cover letter “a quick look-over”). I think I’d rock. Then I realized that this particular professional already exists. People pay for it. For example, here’s‘s $149 platinum package:

Spend an hour on the phone with an E-Cyrano consultant… We’ll write you a brilliant profile from SCRATCH. Platinum customers receive:

• A 60 minute toll-free phone consultation with an E-Cyrano online dating consultant.
• Two highly individualized 200 word essays (About Me, About The One I’m Looking For) that can be posted on any Internet dating site.

How to get started:

You register and give us your contact information. We learn more about you on the phone. We write you two essays that sound just like you. And the final product is emailed to your inbox in a Word document within 48 hours of your phone consultation

For those who just need a tune-up, also has $39 and $99 packages. (Those are, by the way, special “recession” prices. Hooray for reduced-price love!). For $16 Profile Helper will give you tips of picking photos that don’t suck. Or, if you’re swimming in money — or desperation — Evan Marc Katz offers a six-week online training program to a less pathetic online dating you for only $297. His motto is my favorite: “I am a personal trainer for people who want to fall in love.”

As ridiculous as this all sounds, as much as Katz seems like a tool — his site pretty much is the infomercial of online dating consulting — it’s also kind of brilliant. Twenty-somethings have a hard time presenting themselves well on websites. Internet newbs, by which I mean middle-aged people trying to use dating sites for the first time, must be totally lost. Why wouldn’t they dish out money to clean-cut man with blue eyes and a set of CDs?

Tags: online dating

One Response to “Online dating consultants: cleaning you up nice for the internet”

  1. Personals Online Dating Says:

    My buddy told me about online dating a while back. I need to read up on it a little more. He told me an interesting story about how his brother met his what-would-be-future-wife using an online dating service. His brother says that he and his wife have been extremely compatible and feel like they were destined for each. Aww, hehe.

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