What fantasies do you live out through cybersex?

In the spirit of what’s apparently become reader response week at Heroine Sheik, this online sex expert is once again bowing to the sheer awesomeness of what you readers have to say. Today I don’t want to talk about inappropriate cakes or Smash Bros. Brawl though (ok, I always want to talk about those things), I just want to know your deepest, darkest, sexiest secrets.

“No way, lady!” you’re thinking–but let me explain. A while back I told you about this awesome new book called Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?. It’s sort of the Kinsey report for sexual fantasies. Basically, it reveals that almost everyone has one or two fantasies they use throughout their lives–whether to get off while masturbating, or to conjure up during less-than-inspiring sex. Brett Kahr, the author of the study, comes up with lots of explanations for people’s fantasies, but usually it boils down to taking control of your past and turning it, well, sexy.

My question is: does the same rule apply to cybersex? We hear all the time how cybersex helps us live out our fantasies. So do we have tried-and-true cybersex fantasies the way we do in real-life? Really, I want to know what scenarios you play out in online bed! Before you get worried I’m going to wave the magic psychoanalysis wand, rest assured, I just want to make an anonymous list for an upcoming Click Me. And if you’re not comfortable leaving your cybersex fantasy as a comment, you’re always free to email it to me. To kick things off, I’ll even show you what my response would look like:

Anonymous Respondent #1: “Since I mostly have cybersex for research, and my goal is to learn about other people’s desires, I don’t often get to live out my own fantasies. When I do though, they usually involve bondage or submission. I’m a sub in real life, so it’s not surprising that I like to role-play being forced into servicing people–sometimes two men, sometimes a man and a woman–then being taken advantage of and used roughly. I also enjoy being talked to with dominant language, told what to do, called names, etc., which works well in text-based environments.”

While I go crawl into a corner, the rest of you actually anonymous fantasize-rs should totally respond to this post. Remember, it’s for science, or something!

What do you think of Heroine Sheik? I’d really like to know! That’s why I’ve set up this super quick Google survey asking questions about the site. Seriously, answering it will take less time than reading this post. Also, it will make me love you forever. Alternatively, I’m willing to exchange cybersexual favors for survey time–as long as you don’t mind being the subject of my next column. Hey, what are you doing still reading? Go fill it out!

As an actual incentive, I do promise you this: if over 100 people fill out the Heroine Sheik survey, I solemnly swear to bake–and upload lots of pictures of–a hilariously inappropriate video game cake. Game cakes are so wholesome and adorable. Isn’t it time someone made more bloody, sexy, ridiculous ones? And 100 people, that’s nothing. You can vote for your favorite inappropriate cake at the bottom of the survey, but so far the options are:

-A Zelda upskirt cake. After those Brawl action shots, who could resist? Can’t you just see the pink icing panties?
-Chun-Li cake, complete with thunder thighs and other deliciously well-endowed bits.
-Link in drag cake. If beautiful women can be Link, Link can surely be a beautiful woman.
-Hello Kitty lesbian cookies. Who knew cookies had sexual orientation? The excellent absurdity of this one speaks for itself.
-Halo tea-bagging cake. Nothing says yummy like shoving your crotch in the face of your fallen foes.

I’d also love to get some more inappropriately bloody suggestions in there. Can you say FPS cake? Red food coloring, here I come. Anyways, vote!

Le sigh. Smash Bros. Brawl came out for real people (read: honest working stiffs who actually have to pay for their games) this weekend, giving us reviewers only a few days lead to gloat over our copies and hone our brawling skills before heading online to school the world–or, in my case, probably get schooled by it.

Once again, I’ll refrain from criticizing the game, lest angry Brawl fans condemn me to the depths of video game hell–where, I imagine, I’ll have to fight an annoying white glove for all of eternity. No, what I want to know today is, who are YOU playing?

Personally–and also pretty darn obviously–I’ve always been a Sheik fan. In Melée she was fast, but not too fast, and she had one hell of kick. These days though I’m finding I don’t have as much patience for the mysteriously blond-banged cross-dresser and her pain in the ass chain antics. Instead, I’ve taken up training with Pit. His up and B move does me zero good if I’d actually like to injure an enemy (as opposed to floating in a fanciful manner in his general direction), but he gets good air and speed and a decent amount of power. True, he doesn’t break any gender bounds–but his wacky denim shorts do break the bounds of sensible fashion. I shall defeat my foes with blindingly bad clothing choices!

So who are you playing in Brawl, and why? Yes, your choices will most likely analyzed. Yes, that’s okay because then you can kick my over-analyzing butt online.

In theory cybersex addiction experts are, well, experts about cybersex. So they couldn’t really be online virgins, could they? Read this week’s Click Me and find out.

These people mean well. At least, I hope they do. They’re therapists who make their living treating patients, writing books, and appearing on TV to talk about the dangers of online sex. Granted, cybersex (and internet porn) addiction can be a real issue in a person’s life–and it’s good that people are addressing it. But the fact of the matter is, when you go on national television and compare cybersex to crack cocaine, you’ve crossed the line from preventative to sensationalist. There’s a reason why the vast majority of Americans still think online sex is only for “perverts”–and it’s not because it’s true.

After writing a Click Me about cybersex addiction, I was feeling seriously uncomfortable with the way these “experts” talked about sex online. In particular, I was bugged by the “Are you addicted to cybersex?” quizzes that appear on their websites, where concerned internet users can answer questions to determine if they need to seek professional help. Sounds well-intentioned but some of the questions are so sexually biased and judgmental it goes beyond sensationalism and straight into discrimination.

For example, answer yes to the following questions and you should (supposedly) be concerned: “Do you have sex with other people online?” “Do you masturbate while talking to other people online?” “Do you engage in online sex with multiple partners?” These same experts, when pressed, claim a controlled amount of online sex can be part of a healthy life–so why should these things make you pathological? Then there’s the most ridiculous question of all: “Do you feel guilt or shame from your online use?” With “professional” discourse likes this floating around the mainstream media, how could any cybersex participant not feel guilt and shame?

-If this week has taught me anything, it’s that cosplay can be both a beautiful thing (two blonds dressed as Four Swords Links: not only is it sexy in all the weirdest, most wonderful ways, but I told you that boy had effeminate features) and the creepiest thing in the world (a giant, pink, pleather Birdo, complete with “naughty” maid’s costume). Grin, shudder, grin, shudder. My body is so confused.

-In more gaming news that makes me want to bang my head against a wall, a British MP went to parliament this week to warn England about “virtual rape” in online worlds. Jesus, haven’t we been here before? From the brilliant Brit himself:

People who are watching a film at the cinema cannot participate in what is happening on the screen… However, someone sitting at a computer playing a video game, or someone with one of those small devices that young people have these days, the name of which I forget… PlayStations or PSPs, something of that kind… Well, whatever they are called, when people play these things, they can interact. They can shoot people; they can kill people. They can rape women.

As a woman, I really want to know: how exactly do you rape someone with a PSP?

-On a happier note, there’s the cool (if a bit confusing) fact that Johnny Lee’s Wii-mote head-tracking is getting included in a level of Steven Spielberg’s Boom Blox. Wow, it’s like the blocks are really moving, man. At least somebody’s using it…

Happy weekend!

Smash Bros. Brawl arrived at my door yesterday!

I was all prepared to blog about women who are hardcore gamers and how it annoys their husbands that they play so much. It was going to be a constructive look at reversed gender roles and everything. Then a French deliver man banged on my door and Brawl appeared, packed in a big box and everything. Actual thinking? Forget that!

So far my deep Brawl observations include 1) Sheik moves faster than she did before and 2) the new button configurations are messing with my mind. At the rate, I’ll never be good enough to beat my soon-to-be obsessively training friends home in the States via the wonders of online carnage. More giddy commentary to come though…