Yes, this is a video of women dressed like bunnies punching the crotches of other women dressed like bunnies in the (clearly class-tastic game) Fighter Maker 2. Yes, it’s ridiculous and juvenile. But it’s also too good to pass up. Come on, guys, it’s Friday.In more constructive link news, Kotaku has a look at objectivism and the president of the Ayn Rand Institute as they relate to Bioshock. It sounds smart–now if we could only figure out what the heck objectivism is. There’s also the pressing matter of whether the Ayn Rand Institute sells collectible t-shirts with the author’s lovely, capitalist face on them… ’cause that would just be too cute. Destructoid also points out Amsterdam is starting construction on some Rapture-esque underwater building. Amsterdam, I like you a lot, but that seems to be me like one bad trip.

Back in the world of sex and gender, we’ve got a list of the top ten (alternative) video game heroines from fellow TN-er Mia Consalvo’s blog. Most notably, it includes Okami’s Amaterasu. She’s female, she’s a wolf, and she’s badass with a paint brush. Plus she’s got none of those tricky sexualized/not sexualized character design issues. Granted, that’s because she’s not a person. Wait, you don’t have a thing for dogs, right?

Oh, and someone else has realized that half of Europe looks like it’s straight out of a survival horror game. Plus Cooking Mama gets her smiling face punched in for trying to be “Wonderful! Better than a man!”

Last year’s GDC was a blast. Alas, this year I’m living a full nine time zones away from the San Francisco industry event, so I won’t be making the trip. Besides, hanging out in an English-speaking country for a whole week then coming back to France might make my head explode. Wait, what language do I speak again?

Instead, I’ll be making up for my GDC absence by wandering Vienna, staring at pretty horses, and drooling over creepy fin de siècle art during my own vacances scholaires. While I’m away, my new Click Me–which is about everyone’s favorite video-game porn, Whorelore–should go up at the Voice. Also, feel free to entertain yourselves with this “Which new Smash Bros. character are you… in bed?” love quiz. It makes me giggle, plus it has colorful pictures.

Happy GDC to anyone and everyone who is there this year! I must say, part of me is happy to be missing the hubbub–but, since I’m planning to move to San Fran when I’m done here in France, I can’t say I’ll likely be absent again. In the spirit of event-related happiness, I leave you with tidbits from last year’s Bonnie coverage, back when I escaped to California for a week of avoiding my senior thesis. I’m not sure if that seems like a really long time ago or not that long at all. Yucky, it’s like I’m growing up or something…

-On Trip Hawkins, publishing indie games, and Manifesto making you ill.
-On beer, Jane McGonigal, and clowns falling down stairs.
-Interview: Clint Hocking says he plays games like a girl.
-Interview: Raph Koster gets all evil genius re: kids MMOs.

For the past week or two, the Palais des Festivals in Cannes (famous as the seat of the annual film festival and only half an hour from my apartment in Grasse) has been home to the Festival des Jeux–a “analogue” games event where French people of all ages and potential dork levels can take some time from wandering the Riviera beaches to test out board and card games. This weekend the show also featured a fan festival–a separate area for teenage Otaku to pull out their goth umbrellas, buy some anime merch, and hang out among equally pale friends. I didn’t know kids like this existed here. Where are they in my English classes?

All in all, the event was fun, but more laid back than most video game shows. Chessex’s booth, full of hundreds of colorful, back-lit dice, was easily my favorite, but that’s mostly because I’m entertained by shiny objects. It was also nice to see such a diverse crowd at a gaming festival. There were women and small children all around and, well, women and small children was impressive enough. Plus I discovered I’m addicted to Blockus–which, by the way, gives all its players the valid opportunity to call their opponents “cockus.”

Amusingly enough, the PR woman for the festival didn’t believe that I wrote for The Village Voice’s site. Granted, I hadn’t registered as press and I didn’t have a business card with me (I figured, it’s half an hour away, I’ll just go), but the look she gave me was so French, like “You’re not wearing high heels and your coat doesn’t match your pants and you’re young and female and you write for the Voice but you just happen to live here in France? Yeah right!” So that stung. Granted, I should be proud she had such a high opinion of my newspaper, but ouch, lady. No worries though, as I’ve exacted my petty revenge by giving her event a slapdash write-up and groping one of her LEGO statues. Who knew those things had breasts?

At the Cannes Festival des Jeux this weekend I was able to catch a real live glimpse of Brawl. The hordes of French teenage boys must’ve disagreed, but I can’t say I saw a whole lot to distinguish it from Melee. Before the video-game gods send rabid bears to maul me for bad-mouthing Smash Bros. though, I will point out one totally constructive use for the game–and I don’t mean babbling about Zelda’s hair. It’s the officially unofficial Smash Bros. Brawl love quiz. Pass your time waiting for that cock tease of a release date by answering the following questions to find out which new Brawl character you’re most like… in bed.

1) You’re getting dressed for a date, and you think you might get lucky. Standing in front of your wardrobe, contemplating what underwear to choose, you:
A) Skip the underwear altogether. What you’ve got laid out for dinner is so skin tight, it won’t leave anything to the imagination anyway.
B) Opt for the tighty whities, and hope your date will be too blown over by your sexy baseball cap to notice they’ve still got your name written across the tag with sharpie.
C) Laugh in the face of conformity. After all, you go on all your dates just like nature intended: naked and hairy.
D) Pick the black boxer briefs. Not only are they the most bad ass of undies, but they also match the collection of handguns you’ll be bringing along with you to the restaurant.

2) Dinner went well, and your date has agreed to come back to your place for coffee. You put the moves on him/her by:
A) Pulling out your electric whip and hoping he/she likes it kinky.
B) Showing her your trading cards, then saying your name over and over again with different intonations. You love doing that, so women must love hearing it.
C) Complimenting your date’s gold hoop earrings. So shiny, so collectible.
D) Hiding in a cardboard box and waiting until he/she has left the room.

3) Seduction successful! Now that you’ve got your date just where you want him/her, you’ll wow him/her in the sack by:
A) Rolling into a tight ball and exploring all his/her hard-to-access spaces.
B) Inviting over up to six friends and having them swap out pleasuring your date with their unique abilities while you call commands from the sofa.
C) Getting the job done as fast as humanly possible. Chicks dig that, right?
D) Moving up slowly behind your date, covering his/her mouth, twisting his/her arm around, and taking him/her aggressively from behind, all without saying a word.

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, your sexy Smash Bros. doppelganger is Zero Suit Samus. Released from the bounds of bulky costumes with manly shoulders, feel free to be as slutty–and bendy–as your heart desires.

Mostly B’s: When it comes to making love, you rank right up there with the Pokemon Trainer. Okay, so you never hit puberty. At least you have a lot of balls.

Mostly C’s: Speed is the name of your game, Sonic. Your lanky anatomy may leave nothing to the imagination, but play the resourceful lover and those pointy blue dreadlocks might come in handy…

Mostly D’s: So hardcore you probably already wear a bandana, you are totally Snake. Why shouldn’t sex be a little more covert–and involve a little more heavy artillery?

No pattern : You’re confused about your sexual identity, which makes you a perfect match for a character who’d be downright baffling in bed: Pikmin and Olimar. Given your predilection for using small, colorful creatures, it’s probably best we go ahead and say you’re out of the dating scene right now. And no, Louie doesn’t count.

So many happy adjectives. Ironically, the sun is shining and it’s downright gorgeous here by the Mediterranean. Anyways, onto the death:

-Joystiq reports that, in the grand tradition of Typing of the Dead, Sega will be releasing for the DS a game called English of the Dead. That’s right, this game will train non-native speakers to type and translate English words–with the added incentive of ZOMBIES! This is one homework assignment I think my French ESL hooligans might actually do.

-Thought Central Park was already creepy enough after dark? Destructoid points our scare-loving attention to survival horror game Alone in the Dark: Central Dark (yup, that’s a lot of darkness), which uses America’s most visited park–sorry, facts I know from teaching disinterested teenagers about Manhattan–as the location for apocalyptic secrets… or something. What’s more interested than the spooky “blockbuster action” the game’s site promises is how the premise combines the archetypal horror settings of rural and urban. You’re wandering the woods, in the middle of New York City. Forget the game; the idea itself is kind of creepy.

-Lastly, we’ve got a game called “Black Death” (Penumbra: Black Death, to be specific) which unfortunately doesn’t seem to have anything to do with plague. Am I wrong? When will game designers and/or disease researchers realize that sickness makes an excellent game mechanic–and a darn spooky one at that? Let’s take this whole zombie thing one step farther, people, and get ourselves a real Black Death simulation game, complete with eerie plague art and all!

Who knew thunder thighs could kill?

I’ve never been a Street Fighter fan (I’m much more of a Soul Calibur girl myself), but I can’t help but find it interesting how the gaming blogosphere is reacting to these images from the newest installment of the never ending series, Street Fighter IV. Specifically, I’m amazed how attached people feel to Chun Li, the fighter whose dumpling-like pigtails and outrageous curves have been charming gamers since the old days. Even if she’s gained a few extra pounds of muscle and possibly been switched out for a transvestite, she’s still the most hardcore girl in giant white boots I know. Look! Her sizable thighs seems to be literally pulverizing her opponents.

Talking about Chun Li makes me think of all the ridiculously proportioned, bad ass female fighters video games have thrown our way over the years–and what it means when we play as them. Of course, there’s the obvious appeal of their realistic battle physics (read: bouncing breasts), but is it somehow sadistic when male gamers play as male characters and beat the crap out of women? Or maybe something masochistic when those same male players choose female characters and beat the crap out of men? And as a woman gamer, what’s the best type of fighter to pick? If you go with a girl, you get to inflict pixelated pain in the name of female empowerment, but then you still have that crazy body type and that skimpy little outfit staring at you from the screen.

Personally, when it comes to Soul Calibur, I solve the issue by playing as Voldo. He kicks ass, he freaks other players out, and his gender and sexuality are so deeply in question you can’t help but break down some stereotypes just by watching him writhe. As for Scott, my Soul Calibur partner and significant other, he prefers Sophitia, who uses the power of her crotch to break the necks of her enemies. Now what does that say?

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day! If there’s a fellow games dork in your life, this card is still my favorite.