February 16th, 2008

At the Cannes Festival des Jeux this weekend I was able to catch a real live glimpse of Brawl. The hordes of French teenage boys must’ve disagreed, but I can’t say I saw a whole lot to distinguish it from Melee. Before the video-game gods send rabid bears to maul me for bad-mouthing Smash Bros. though, I will point out one totally constructive use for the game–and I don’t mean babbling about Zelda’s hair. It’s the officially unofficial Smash Bros. Brawl love quiz. Pass your time waiting for that cock tease of a release date by answering the following questions to find out which new Brawl character you’re most like… in bed.

1) You’re getting dressed for a date, and you think you might get lucky. Standing in front of your wardrobe, contemplating what underwear to choose, you:
A) Skip the underwear altogether. What you’ve got laid out for dinner is so skin tight, it won’t leave anything to the imagination anyway.
B) Opt for the tighty whities, and hope your date will be too blown over by your sexy baseball cap to notice they’ve still got your name written across the tag with sharpie.
C) Laugh in the face of conformity. After all, you go on all your dates just like nature intended: naked and hairy.
D) Pick the black boxer briefs. Not only are they the most bad ass of undies, but they also match the collection of handguns you’ll be bringing along with you to the restaurant.

2) Dinner went well, and your date has agreed to come back to your place for coffee. You put the moves on him/her by:
A) Pulling out your electric whip and hoping he/she likes it kinky.
B) Showing her your trading cards, then saying your name over and over again with different intonations. You love doing that, so women must love hearing it.
C) Complimenting your date’s gold hoop earrings. So shiny, so collectible.
D) Hiding in a cardboard box and waiting until he/she has left the room.

3) Seduction successful! Now that you’ve got your date just where you want him/her, you’ll wow him/her in the sack by:
A) Rolling into a tight ball and exploring all his/her hard-to-access spaces.
B) Inviting over up to six friends and having them swap out pleasuring your date with their unique abilities while you call commands from the sofa.
C) Getting the job done as fast as humanly possible. Chicks dig that, right?
D) Moving up slowly behind your date, covering his/her mouth, twisting his/her arm around, and taking him/her aggressively from behind, all without saying a word.

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, your sexy Smash Bros. doppelganger is Zero Suit Samus. Released from the bounds of bulky costumes with manly shoulders, feel free to be as slutty–and bendy–as your heart desires.

Mostly B’s: When it comes to making love, you rank right up there with the Pokemon Trainer. Okay, so you never hit puberty. At least you have a lot of balls.

Mostly C’s: Speed is the name of your game, Sonic. Your lanky anatomy may leave nothing to the imagination, but play the resourceful lover and those pointy blue dreadlocks might come in handy…

Mostly D’s: So hardcore you probably already wear a bandana, you are totally Snake. Why shouldn’t sex be a little more covert–and involve a little more heavy artillery?

No pattern : You’re confused about your sexual identity, which makes you a perfect match for a character who’d be downright baffling in bed: Pikmin and Olimar. Given your predilection for using small, colorful creatures, it’s probably best we go ahead and say you’re out of the dating scene right now. And no, Louie doesn’t count.

Tags: new games, sex

9 Responses to “Love Quiz: Which New ‘Smash Bros.’ Character Are You… in Bed?”

  1. Dating Advice - Anything ‘08 : Blog Archive : Love Quiz: Which New ‘Smash Bros.’ Character Are You… in Bed? Says:

    […] Ask MetaFilter | Community Weblog wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt…your predilection for using small, colorful creatures, it’s probably best we go ahead and say you’re out of the dating scene right now. […]

  2. Darkpen Says:

    …what in the world kind of quiz is that? lol I think I ended up getting Snake, though.

  3. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being Snake. He seems to be having a darn good time in that Brawl screen shot at least ;).

  4. StevenRafael Says:

    3 questions is kind of short.

    Humorous, but short.

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