Wow, things are not looking good for Velvet. I don’t remember that part of Odin Sphere…

Fan art and fiction–sometimes hilarious, sometimes just delicious–is probably the most interesting ways we dorks express our fandom. Instead of passively loving some artistic creation–some game, some book, some movie–we take control by becoming the active creators of that thing we love. Of course, that leaves us wondering why fan art is never “good art.” It also leaves me wondering why fan art is so sexual.

Which brings us to the drawing of a naked Velvet, gagged and bound to a tree. It’s one of tons images of female video game characters, all in seriously compromising positions, Scott stumbled across recently on a fan site (NSFW). No one is left un-sexified: Ashley from Resident Evil 4, Samus Aran, the female characters from Phoenix Wright. Ridiculous, yes, but strangely entertaining.

The absurdity is made, well, more absurd by the fact that most of the characters–who each appear in two or three frames of animation–get progressively and inexplicably stickier. They’re covered in some sort of generic, sex-related goo which oozes from illogical spots on their bodies. As if being stripped down in front of all your fans wasn’t embarrassing enough!

Sometimes I feel like a sexbot. True, my insides are full of squishy human organs, and I don’t think in ones and zeros. But with all the research cybersex I do, sometimes it’s hard to stay human. After 20 encounters in three straight hours, repeating the same “sexy” phrases, ignoring what appeals to me to listen in on other people’s desires… It could turn anyone into a computer. Thus my latest Click Me, in which I decide to just run with it–my inner sexbot, that is. Will anyone notice that I’ve traded in my weak human body for shiny metal skin? Find out!

Also new at the Voice is an image gallery by yours truly called “Strange Sightings in Second Life.” Regular readers will remember I had this idea a while back: to go around Second Life taking snapshots of all the weird, in-world content created by users. Second Life is, after all, a world left open for creation. Sometimes that means users design the beautifully recreated streets of real-life cities, like Amsterdam. Sometimes they build steaming bath houses for furry romps. And sometimes they make entire islands full of over-sized, teary-eyed animal figurines. WTF, mate? You never know what you’ll see. One thing I can promise you’ll see in this slideshow though: my avatar Cheeree Oh’s constantly changing, constantly hideous outfits. Oooo, bizarre!

Brought to you from the land of cool sex, gender, tech and video game links this week:

-”What was that you said? You want me to put it where?” Regina Lynn reports on (and Penny Arcade ogles at) deaf porn. Asserting your non-mainstream identity through sex: impressive. Being able to get it on and communicate in American sign language at the same time: very impressive.

-Strap a Wii mote to your head and voila, 3D! Making the rounds at Guardian Gameblog is this super cool video of a developer who has added extra sensors to the Wii in order to allow a single player to experience the screen three-dimensionally. The possibilities are pretty amazing.

-The queen loves the Wii. That’s right, the frickin’ queen of England–in all her frumpy, Easter egg colored hat glory–has picked up a Wii mote and played Wii Sports. I forget, do monarchs have a purpose beyond sheer in-bred entertainment?

-Rez, and all the Trance Vibrator goodness, are back with Rez HD. How will you position your extra, buzzing controllers? Split the vibrations among three, mildly pleased friends–or duct-tape them all to the squishy bits of your own body? So many classy options…

-Lastly, LEGO catwoman is LEGO hot! That is all.

I’ve got a sword in my closet. Sure, call me crazy. But I’m standing behind the claim that you’ve got one, too. At least, you’ve got a Wii-mote.

Everybody loves swords. Okay, maybe not everybody–but unlike the appeal of guns, the appeal of swords seems to defy gender. Whether or not we know how to use them (I personally spent a whopping nine months on my college fencing team) we love their aesthetic, their powerful potential, the feeling they give us that maybe, just maybe, we were destined for something greater. Katanas in particular have a lot of draw these days: Eastern, slick, and sexy. Then there’s always the Kill Bill thing to consider, but mostly that just makes me think of foot fetishists.

Enter No More Heroes, the new Wii title from the makers of Killer 7. The story begins when a “normal” otaku boy wins a katana through an online auction. Of course, from there it’s an easy step to becoming a professional assassin. The premise, on the one hand (not that it has to be reasonable to make a good game. On the other, you can see how it would appeal to the millions of dorks like me who are into swords. Mine came from my grandfather–but I know plenty of people will Ebay-ed katanas for whom this game is bound to ring a special, “Hey, I’m a kid with a sword, too!” bell.

As for the game itself, the fencer in me (as opposed to the crazy person with a sword in her closet), is hoping No More Heroes can fix up the Wii-mote fencing mechanic. Done right, that could be a lot of fun–and bring about a lot fewer bruises than actual fencing!

Update: Apparently the sword in No More Heroes is closer to a light saber than a katana. Oops. So many weapons, so little time.

Smashing things is fun. That’s not my opinion; that’s just scientific fact. Okay, that’s obviously my opinion. The point being, despite my glaring lack of a PS3 or an Xbox 360 (compatibility aside, that shit is ’spensive here in Europe), I totally covet Burnout Paradise.

Sure, it doesn’t look that different from previous Burnout titles. And sure, it lacks almost all sex and/or gender content. If anything, as a driving game, it would normally fall under the domain of “manliness.” Then there’s the fact that, unlike more precise racing simulators, Burnout games involve a hefty dose of smashing. It doesn’t get more manly than ramming an automobile at high speeds into a series of other automobiles and staring at the explosion.

Still, I would argue–and this is where things get weird–that Burnout is a driving game for girls. It’s not that we women are sadists (even if I personally enjoy killing adorable animals). It’s that, compared with realistic sims, Burnout games give us a lot more bang for our feminine buck.

I’m sure there are girls out there who care about cars. Me, I know how to drive them, and I know how to not get hit by them, and that’s where my knowledge stops. (This baffles my moped mechanic students.) So the idea of driving a real car realistically down a real track at real speeds: boring! Now smashing things and making them explode and getting to watch the shiny, fascinating consequences? That’s the kind of car fun a girl like me can get into.

Think you’ve had some bad cybersex in your day? Or think you’re lucky in cyber bed? Compare your cybersex sex life with the cyber sexpert’s–by checking out this week’s Click Me, “The Best and Worst of Cybersex 2007.” It’s a list of personal ups and downs this cybersex year: from my hottest encounters (a transgender GI with good grammar and a sexy sub), to my most embarrassing moments (apparently my breasts are “light and fluffy”), to the dark dumps of cybersex chat rooms (”Yes, we’ve been talking for three seconds. No, I don’t want to suck your cock”). Look sharp, Heroine Sheik readers and online sexy friendlies alike, and you may well find some things on that list that sound strangely similar…