First there was Build-a-Bear. Then there was the (just released) Build-a-Bear game for the DS. As if that didn’t incite enough of a WTF, now apparently there’s a Build-a-Bear virtual world in the works, due out this winter. Seriously. It’s called Build-a-Bearville. And it’s “stuffed with fun.” Kill me now.

My bear-loving gut tells me this brightly-colored company is plotting some sort of world domination. You can just see their beady plastic eyes glistening with the reflected light of Club Penguin. I should have listened to my friends when they told me Build-a-Bear was evil. I should have known something was wrong the first time I stuffed an ID tag with a track-able bar code into the gaping hole in a teddy bear’s back.

Ok, before I sound like some sort of teddy bear lunatic, let me explain. I am a Build-a-Bear survivor. Yes, for one year in high school the girl who writes about sex made stuffed animals for children–and goddamn it, she liked it. At least, for a little while. Granted, it was my first (and last) retail job, but it seemed perfect. I got to work with kids. I got to work with toys. I’m a total sucker for cuteness, so both of those things work. Then, I began to see the problem with actually liking children and working for Build-a-Bear. I wanted to make kids happy, not convince them they had to make their mommies buy their bears three different pairs of shoes. No lie: I was instructed to tell them that their stuffed animals would love them more if they had accessories.

Four years later, I still haven’t totally gotten over my bear-related trauma. I see Build-a-Bears in malls and I instinctively hide. Some part of me must be thinking: what if they want me to take over a shift!? My first published article was actually something of a Marxist rant against my time among the teddy bears. Then, while I was in San Fran last year for the Sex & Games Conference, I was amazed to find The Basic Brown Bear Factory at the Cannery–the adorable, earnest little shop that Build-a-Bear had stolen its ideas from, even its color scheme. Just this September I was back at the Cannery. To my horror, the Basic Brown Bear Factory was totally empty. You could practically see the tumble weeds of teddy bear fuzz rolling past the windows.

So it’s fair to say I’m not approaching this from an objective (or probably even a reasonable) angle. The fact remains: Build-a-Bear is taking over the world. While the DS game just recreates the process of “making” a bear you’d experience in a store, the MMO “lets you bring your furry friends to life” by decorating their rooms, collecting points, and of course getting special rewards for each new one you buy. Stuffed animals rock. Kids who like stuffed animals rock. Why must this be so sucky?