August 21st, 2007

Last week I reported that the makers of Whorecraft, Warcraft-themed pornography, were bringing us a new series: first-person shooter porn. Yesterday I got a chance to watch the first episode of the aptly naked “Cock and Load.” While I can’t claim Whorecraft was my favorite porn in the world, I did admire its sense of humor and its lovingly dorky details (A naked, green-painted troll who keeps up her Jamaican accent even while orgasming? That’s dedication). But when it comes to this whole FPS porn thing, I think I’ve got to agree with Kotaku: there’s enough sex and violence in mainstream media. We don’t really need to see one more woman giving head at gun point.

I don’t doubt that this episode was conceived with good, gamerly intentions–and there are definitely a few FPS fanboy nods, including a “kill screen” and some solid minutes of “floating gun” perspective. But unfortunately it reads like a mediocre action movie, spliced with two scenes from a slightly grating porno. The plot, despite dramatic fades from scene to scene, is pretty simple: someone owes someone money. To make sure things gets paid, two anonymous bad guys capture a pretty woman. While waiting for the pay-off, one forces himself on her. Eventually “you” (i.e. the character who’s first-person perspective the camera sometimes switches into) arrive, gun in hand, to save her. When you do, she thanks you by giving you an endless–and endlessly uncomfortable–blow job.

The episode has at least one entertaining moment: a Spanish-speaking bad guy who guards the house where the girl is being held runs out of ammo, and as you approach he helplessly dry fires his gun from crotch level toward the ground. Besides that, Cock and Load is decidedly not funny. The first-person shots leading up to sex are just as entertaining as watching your friend play an FPS: which is to say, not. Sex scene number one goes from creepy (call me old-fashioned, but I’m not personally turned on by women sobbing) to forced (three seconds ago you were crying, and now you want him to do what to you?). Sex scene number two is at least interesting in that it uses the first-person perspective. Alas, there’s no wang cam–but the camera work definitely implies that it’s “you” getting that blow job, staring down at your gun-like cock.

If there’s one way Cock and Load really holds true with the FPS tradition, it’s its thematic violence. Though there’s no blood in episode, there’s a fair share of screaming, kicking, and forceful oral sex. Maybe I haven’t been watching enough porn lately, because apparently it’s pretty standard, but I can’t help but cringe when I hear a female actor choking. And it’s not just the bad guy that gags this girl. In fact, the “good guy” blow job–every more tellingly, the first-person blow job–is the more painful and aggressive. Coughing with even pump of “your” hips, the female actor stares up at the camera looking drugged and ready to cry.

Meanwhile, what were those two topless women doing just hanging out in the living room? FPS Porn, if you’re going to be a let-down, don’t also be a tease…

Tags: bad sex, FPSs, porn, sex, sex fighting

24 Responses to “Porn Stars with Guns and First-Person Blow Jobs”

  1. Cybersexy Says:

    Could we re-title this “Virtual Reality Porn (without the virtual realism)”?

  2. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    Hmm, I suppose that depends what you mean by “virtual reality porn.” When I think of virtual reality porn, I just think of all my nine-year-old-fantasies of all the crazy fun you could live out on the Next Generation holodecks :).

  3. Cybersexy Says:

    Always nice to meet a fellow Trekkie. ;)

    My point is it seems like they are trying to do the holodecks on a 2-D screen. And it all comes out a little flat. :)

  4. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    I see, because you can put yourself into the action. Yes, it definitely comes out flat, though I would argue that that’s not their main goal, since they seem to be more into recreating FPS game elements than trying to do anything innovative with porn itself..

    I do wonder where the camera was for that first-person blow job. I mean, on his head maybe? Or was someone leaning over him with a camera?

  5. Christopher Says:

    Eh, fps porn doesn’t sound that interesting to me. I ran into the concept once before with an asain film I saw. It didn’t have a gun though. I think it was suppose to give you more of a sense of an affair, or some such. The one interesting think was that she put a collar on ‘you.’

    Really though this style of porn doesn’t do anything for me. It’s going to take a lot more then some interesting camera work to convince me I’m getting some.

  6. Cray Says:

    I have a better idea. I think someone needs to be a little more creative and get into turn-based, role-playing porn.

    In fact, I’d even go so far as to say, I’d actually pay to watch a porn star shoot herself in the head before starting to blow.

  7. Cray Says:

    Just as a side note: FPS porn sans motion blur and co-op gameplay = fail.

  8. Cybersexy Says:

    “I think someone needs to be a little more creative and get into turn-based, role-playing porn.”

    Cray,
    THAT is hilarious! :)

    Actually, if you think about it, a lot of cybersex isn’t really far from that idea. We generally take turns (although it isn’t turns in a formal sense), and there is usually roleplaying involved.

    Bonnie,
    If you consider the history of FPS, it really was about putting the player more into the action. The problem is that the first person perspective can work with violence because the “fourth wall” is never truly violated, thanks to the 2-D screen. We can commit acts of violence in an FPS without feeling anything, other than a minor sense of accomplishment.

    Of course, people who are looking to actually commit acts of violence will be left cold by FPS’s. Consider the Columbine shooters played these kinds of games, yet still had the need to go out and perform the actual violent acts.

    On the other hand, a sexual FPS would lack the realistic intimacy required, either by tapping into the imagination (i.e. cybersex) or by virtue of looking AND feeling real (i.e. teledildonics).

  9. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    I have a better idea. I think someone needs to be a little more creative and get into turn-based, role-playing porn.

    Actually, if you think about it, a lot of cybersex isn’t really far from that idea. We generally take turns (although it isn’t turns in a formal sense), and there is usually roleplaying involved.

    Excellent. Okay, let’s tease this one out. What would it look like? How would it work? Even if we can’t make it, we can always dream :).

  10. Cybersexy Says:

    Bonnie, are you talking about “rules” for cybersex?

  11. Cray Says:

    Well, first of course, there’s the unavoidable act of shooting yourself in the head. (Inspired by Persona 3) I hereby proclaim that no cybersex should be allowed to commence without shooting oneself in the head first.

    In fact, let’s take it a step further and say that shooting yourself in the head is now officially nerd code for asking someone to cyber with yoU.

    On a more serious note, though … why are we limiting this to the comments section? I’m sure there’s a lot to be said and we could say it faster and better through some sort of chat service. The conversation might also make for an interesting article, Bonnie.

    Any idea if there’s a way for all of us to talk at once?

  12. Cybersexy Says:

    Bonnie needs to add a chat room to Heroine Sheik. ;)

  13. Cray Says:

    That would be awesome. Moderating it would probably be wise, though.

  14. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    Ah, I can hear my web designer and the web support team at The Village Voice crying now…

    There are some really great things about Heroine Sheik being a Village Voice blog, but one of the less great things is that I can no longer make those spur-of-the-moment-changes to the site (a.k.a. “Hey, Scott, help me set up a chat room!”). If you guys really think there should be a chat area, I can certainly talk to the appropriate people about it, but things take time :(. In the mean time, I’m on iChat/AIM, where it’s certainly possible to create an impromptu chat room. If anyone else is up for that, feel free to let me know.

  15. Cray Says:

    What about IRC?

  16. Cybersexy Says:

    Bonnie, just think of all the kinky good times we could have in a chat room. Can you say “cyberorgy”? ;)

  17. Bonnie Ruberg Says:

    Wow, actually I never thought of that, but it’s brilliant. The closest I’ve come is a threesome with a dom and her “toy,” but since the toy could only do what we told her, it was a bit like just having, well, a toy. Excellent idea, though. Let me see what I can do ;).

  18. Cybersexy Says:

    I’ve never done a threesome in chat. I have in SL, which was a blast!
    ;)

  19. Leg Lover Says:

    Count me in! I have AIM Bonnie…I am always open for new things…

  20. Cybersexy Says:

    Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam… :)

  21. Cybersexy Says:

    Awwww spam go bye bye. :)

  22. Niche Porn List - Every Day Update Says:

    I have a better idea. I think someone needs to be a little more creative and get into turn-based, role-playing porn.

    In fact, I’d even go so far as to say, I’d actually pay to watch a porn star shoot herself in the head before starting to blow.

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