Wow, talk about walking a fine line… The headline of Linden Lab’s official (and rightfully controversial) statement on the line between personal expression and virtual no-no, posted this past Thursday on their site, reads “Keeping Second Life Safe, Together.” In it, perhaps in response to incidents like the ones we’ve discussed here, the makers of the game write:

“The diversity of things to see and do within Second Life is almost unimaginable, but our community has made it clear to us that certain types of content and activity are simply not acceptable in any form. Real-life images, avatar portrayals, and other depiction of sexual or lewd acts involving or appearing to involve children or minors; real-life images, avatar portrayals, and other depictions of sexual violence including rape, real-life images, avatar portrayals, and other depictions of extreme or graphic violence, and other broadly offensive content are never allowed or tolerated within Second Life.”

If you couldn’t tell, the bold bits are the parts that made me go, “Come again?” Okay, we’ve talked about the issues of “virtual” child pornography and age play, and just how tricky that can be. But what about this new clause about no sexual violence? Excuse me, but there’s a huge BDSM community within Second Life, not to mention the Goreans. Then there’s this bit tacked onto the end, “any other broadly offensive content.” Terrifyingly enough, it sounds like anything and everything is potentially up for scrutiny…

The more time I spend in Second Life these days, the most it becomes impossible to find native English speakers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to see an international fanbase. But it can get pretty frustrating when 80% of the people you run into can barely understand you. Okay, that’s probably not fair, they can usually understand moderately well. But, in my line of business (that is, cybersex), you need to be able to communicate artfully for things to sound sexy, not barely communicate at all. Can you tell this is my cybersexual frustration talking?

While I search the web for exact numbers on the percentage of Second Life users logging on from outside the United States, I will admit sometimes the language barrier can be entertaining. Today, for example, I was conducting an interview for an upcoming “Click Me” column with an erotic dancer who’s German in real life. When I asked him his age, he said, “32 years Jung.” Psychology dorks around the world can unite in a giggle about that one.

Because of Memorial Day, this week has sort of been a crazy blend of the last two weeks. This past weekend I graduated college, and became (wait for it) a real person. Can you tell that hasn’t sunk in yet? I also finished up at The Onion A. V. club, going out–at least temporarily–on a Spider-Man 3 kind of note. As for “Click Me,” last Friday’s column was a beginner’s guide to text-based cybersex. This week’s is a how-to on cybersex personas. Here at Heroine Sheik, we’ve checked out Odin Sphere and LoveChess and Sexy VideoGameLand. And outside of the world of gaming, it’s suddenly summer! At least, it feels like summer: the season for sitting outside and enjoying the sunshine… while shielding your DS so you can still see all the Pokemons.

Well, after having played the full version of LoveChess: Age of Egypt (take that, Eddo Stern, who will doubtless never read this blog), I’m sorry to report we have a simple rewards system on our hands. That’s to say, sex acts are performed at random between the two pieces–the one taking and the one being taken–regardless of who “wins.” Here’s a run-down of sexy observations:

1) As we mentioned before, the teams are divided by gender. That way, no two pieces can have same-sex encounters. What’s even more interesting is that, in a one-player match, the computer automatically puts you on the women’s team. Wouldn’t we expect a target male audience to identify with the nude male pieces, not the female?

2) The sex animations are like rewards: the appear whenever either one of your pieces or one of your opponent’s is captured. However, as a reward system that’s supposed to drive the game itself (remember, you’re still playing chess), this one seems faulty at best. Whether I “win” or “lose” a piece, I still get to see a sexy animation.

3) Most important, from what I can tell, the animations are the same no matter what rank the pieces hold, and no matter who is conquering whom. Most of the animations shows us various (unlikely, gravity-defying) sexual positions. A few others show us oral sex. In all cases, the nude pieces go at it for a few moments before disappearing into a cloud of gold dust.

The real question we’re left with here isn’t whether LoveChess is good or bad (if you’re into that sort of thing, the game engine is apparently pretty sophisticated, and the animations are at least enjoyable), it’s what a game with real sex fighting would look like…