Well, after having played the full version of LoveChess: Age of Egypt (take that, Eddo Stern, who will doubtless never read this blog), I’m sorry to report we have a simple rewards system on our hands. That’s to say, sex acts are performed at random between the two pieces–the one taking and the one being taken–regardless of who “wins.” Here’s a run-down of sexy observations:

1) As we mentioned before, the teams are divided by gender. That way, no two pieces can have same-sex encounters. What’s even more interesting is that, in a one-player match, the computer automatically puts you on the women’s team. Wouldn’t we expect a target male audience to identify with the nude male pieces, not the female?

2) The sex animations are like rewards: the appear whenever either one of your pieces or one of your opponent’s is captured. However, as a reward system that’s supposed to drive the game itself (remember, you’re still playing chess), this one seems faulty at best. Whether I “win” or “lose” a piece, I still get to see a sexy animation.

3) Most important, from what I can tell, the animations are the same no matter what rank the pieces hold, and no matter who is conquering whom. Most of the animations shows us various (unlikely, gravity-defying) sexual positions. A few others show us oral sex. In all cases, the nude pieces go at it for a few moments before disappearing into a cloud of gold dust.

The real question we’re left with here isn’t whether LoveChess is good or bad (if you’re into that sort of thing, the game engine is apparently pretty sophisticated, and the animations are at least enjoyable), it’s what a game with real sex fighting would look like…