The other day, sex columnist Dan Savage finally poked his head into the realm of cyber love. A middle-aged, Second Life player asked him whether kinky SL sex counted as cheating. Dan’s answer? No way. Not only are online romps not real enough to count as adultery, there not even real enough to warrant telling a spouse about. In Dan’s own words, cybersex is just the “Of course I don’t think of anyone else when we make love” of the virtual age.
Dan’s column, “Savage Love,” is one I respect a lot, even if I don’t always agree with him. That said, I definitely don’t agree with him here. I’m glad the issue was raised (of course, you’ll be seeing a lot more of it in my new column). Still, Dan’s response makes it seems like cybersex is as un-real as fantasy, as if nothing is really happening. But it is. Somewhere behind another monitor, there’s another person getting off–if not more, given this letter-writer’s particular tastes. Tell the wife or don’t tell the wife, cybersex is more than a fantasy, it’s an act all its own.
Bonnie Ruberg is a sex, technology, and video games journalist who contributes regularly to publications like The Economist, Forbes, and The Village Voice. By day she's also a comparative literature PhD student at UC Berkeley, where she studies French, English, gender, sexuality, surrealism and perversion. You can reach her at [her first name and last name, all one big word] AT gmail DOT com.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:22 am
As with everything, whether you consider cybersex to be cheating or not, it’s always person relative. What one person may consider cheating, another may not even consider sex. This is the same with everything. We are our own interpreters of the world. It’s not about being “right” or “wrong”. Things simply *are*.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:06 am
Good point, Moo. I’m not trying to say cybersex always is cheating, just that we can’t claim it’s always not cheating.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Since there are numerous ways to have cybersex, I’d be curious where most people draw the line. Naughty America may bring up some issues… if it ever comes out.
May 8th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Well… is phone sex or exchanging dirty letters “cheating?” If so, then so is this.
May 8th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
An important distinction (for those who want to try define cheating, which in my opinion is a lost cause) may be whether or not folks are using cybersex to just get off, or to build more in depth relationships.
May 8th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
That’s a very good question: What counts as cybersex? I had a debate about that recently with Dan, the guy who make i’m in like with you. Definitely good stuff for an upcoming column and/or post…
May 8th, 2007 at 7:36 pm
I really think it depends on why the person’s doing it. It’s like anything else– flirting with someone else when you’re in a relationship can be an exercise in individualism, normal and healthy– you’re not serious, and then you take the good vibes back home to your boy/girl. But if you’re not happy in the relationship and you’re actually flirting in order to look for something else, well, then it heads into dangerous territory.
If people are secretly having virtual sex because it gives them something they’re not getting in the relationship that they can’t discuss, that’s problematic. For a lark, is it cheating? Nope.
I was recently wondering on my blog, though, whether “virtual rape” is “real rape.” My answer is not so much, but something tells me the issue will keep popping up.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
My answer is not so much, but something tells me the issue will keep popping up.
It’s one of those unanswerable questions, I think, but certainly an interesting debate.
May 15th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
No, cheating on Second Life is not real cheating, because at least real cheating can be fun and arousing, two things Second Life fails miserably at despite numerous desperate attempts at the latter.
May 17th, 2007 at 7:08 am
Hi, Tetsuo. I’d actually love to hear more about your frustrations. What specifically seems to be un-fun or un-sexy?
September 5th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
I’d say that it’s “cheating” if it’s damaging to a particular relationship, and especially if the partners haven’t agreed to allow SL sex.
Personally, if I were having virtual sex with a real human, through any means – phone, online, written – I’d consider that cheating, because some person, other than my partner, is engaged in getting me off, and vice versa.