A question of cultural perception:
Is it possible to be bisexual without actually having sexual interactions with members of the same sex? Bisexual people can get a lot of guff from both the gay and straight communities. But it seems, to top it all off, they’re often held under a general lense of suspision.
Maybe our reluctance stems from the archetype of the ”bi” girl–we all know at least one–who gets drunk at parties and makes out with her friends… for attention, for kicks, for whatever. Maybe we assume bi is just code for neo-hippy. Or maybe, in this day and age, where we’re wedded to the idea of being one thing or the other (straight or gay) we don’t want to face a reminder that, to some extent, we’re all somewhat queer.
Either way, it seems that to prove yourself gay (to the satisfaction of most people) isn’t difficult at all. If you come out, people react. Or, even if you don’t speak up, people are more happy to make assumptions for you. A married man who fantasizes about men–even if he never touches one–would still be “gay”.
So where does that leave bisexuals?
Bonnie Ruberg is a sex, technology, and video games journalist who contributes regularly to publications like The Economist, Forbes, and The Village Voice. By day she's also a comparative literature PhD student at UC Berkeley, where she studies French, English, gender, sexuality, surrealism and perversion. You can reach her at [her first name and last name, all one big word] AT gmail DOT com.
August 4th, 2006 at 8:47 am
Mad ramblings follow:
I remember reading an article about asexuality some time ago and underpining the discussion was: what counts as healthy sexual activity? Are asexuals “normal” – at least insofar as homosexualiy can be considered acceptable – or is asexuality a sexual deviancy or dysfunction? Everyone seems to have their own assumptions about what the “rules of attraction” are; and any discussion is built upon those assumptions.
The Kinsey scale has been around from nearly 60 years, but not everyone subscribes to its notion of human sexuality being on a continuum. As you say, I think most people are more comfortable believing that sexuality is a dichotomy: it’s simply easier if everyone fits into a neat “straight or gay” bin.
I’ve never understood why some gays give bis a hard time. One would think that once you’ve decided that heterosexuality isn’t the only viable option – and having suffered persecution for their orientation – they would be receptive to bisexuality. But I guess just because you acknowledge homosexuality doesn’t mean you automatically accept that sexual attraction isn’t an either-or thing.
August 4th, 2006 at 9:43 am
Interesting question, Bonnie. There is another wrinkle as well: What if one has, in fact, had sexual encounters with members of the same sex, and enjoyed them quite a bit? However, what if one’s romantic relationships have been with members of the opposite sex? Is that person still truly bisexual?
In my case, I am a man in his mid-30s who likes both men and women. But I particularly love women, and have been involved with women between the ages of 18 and 55. A serial monogamist, all of my romantic relationships have been with women. Yet, in between romantic relationships, I venture out into the clubs and bath houses and *safely* play around with other men. I tend to be attracted sexually to feminine men, though it is sometimes fun to mix it up.
Does this make me truly bisexual? Am I allowed (by the sexuality police) to identify as “gay?” Or am I just a slut?
It’s interesting to note how the boundaries of the GLBT community can be so carefully policed. As if the self-proclaimed bisexuals are just wannabe posers who are stealing the cool caches of the “true” gays and lesbians.
One last thought — although I have noticed suspicion of bisexuality within the gay community, it seems that this has been fading over the years. These days, most people I know in the GLBT community are polymorphously perverse and supportive of all types of identifications. It’s the old school types who are mired in the shackles of identity politics.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:36 am
Hi there,
I helped write a partly tongue-in-cheek bisexual FAQ a few years ago. It still lives here — http://www.poormojo.org/cgi-bin/gennie.pl?Rant+51+bi
I think these are very hard questions to answer, partly becuase so few people choose to believe or admit that bisexuals exist. Just look at how infrequently the word pops up in movies or our media. If you see a character who is a straight man, who then is found out to have slept with other men he is always referred to as “secretly gay,” never as “secretly bi,” which is likely what he is.
Bisexuals run counter to the usual oppositional relations we like here in Western culture. Every state is defined as being a part of a duality: good/bad, up/down, left/right, etc. People are uncomfortable when you have fuzzy values like Straight/bi/Gay.
In any case, thanks for posting the questions.
August 4th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Is it possible to be bisexual without actually having sexual interactions with members of the same sex?
Yes. Next question.
August 5th, 2006 at 8:00 am
Yeah, it seems to me that for a lot of people bisexuality “doesn’t exist” or it’s a joke.
I’ve been in a long term relationship with a male partner, and it’s been somewhat difficult–I meet new people and they automatically assume I’m straight. I have to find some sort of covert way, like dropping hints, what have you, so that they realize I’m queer, or bi. Coming out to some people, like my mother, has been a complete disaster because it’s then assumed that I’m going through some phase.
On the other hand, I am completely aware of my heterosexual privilege because our genders match up according to our society’s sexual norms. There are times when it’s just maddening.
Thanks for writing about this Bonnie!
August 6th, 2006 at 9:59 am
I've never understood why some gays give bis a hard time.
I think the distrust/dislike tends to come from a feeling of “unfairness”. Gay people put themselves on the line in front of a judgemental society every time they walk down the street with their same-sex partner. Bi people, on the other hand, have, in theory, the choice to blend in with normative culture by choosing a partner of the opposite sex.
although I have noticed suspicion of bisexuality within the gay community, it seems that this has been fading over the years.
You may well be right. I’ve only really been dealing with the gay community for the past five or so years.
f you see a character who is a straight man, who then is found out to have slept with other men he is always referred to as "secretly gay," never as "secretly bi," which is likely what he is.
Or he may really be “secretly gay”–but the option is never even discussed.
I've been in a long term relationship with a male partner, and it's been somewhat difficult"”I meet new people and they automatically assume I'm straight. I have to find some sort of covert way, like dropping hints, what have you, so that they realize I'm queer
I’m in exactly the same boat. And when I’m in a queer environment, like an LGBT meeting, I feel like I have to queer myself right off the bat, make some comment, just to explain. Then again, I can understand why other people might look at me and my situation and assume I’m an outsider.
On the other hand, I am completely aware of my heterosexual privilege because our genders match up according to our society's sexual norms.
Again, totally agreed. In my case, I’m engaged; I plan to stay with my opposite sex partner for the rest of my life. So is it worth causing a stir with, let’s say, my family by coming out as bi? Wouldn’t that seem like unnecessary stress? But, at the same time, isn’t it hypocritical to want to identify as queer and not be willing to take some of the realistic responsibilities that go with it?
August 6th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
I had thought at first that I was inciting unnecessary stress by coming out to my family while being in my current relationship–then realized that it’s a hell of a lot more stressful to not come out. Being closeted is no fun.
And yes, you’re completely right, the responsibilities that come with being queer is so important.
August 7th, 2006 at 8:50 am
at the same time, isn't it hypocritical to want to identify as queer and not be willing to take some of the realistic responsibilities that go with it?
What responsabilities? Are they any different that someone who isn’t ‘bi’ or ‘queer’? Personally, I think sexuality is an immensly private thing, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum. However, I don’t believe that only certain people can/should fight for equal rights. Its like saying only black people should have marched with MLK jr. Equality is something that concerns everyone in society.
If you have to have sex before your sexuality is defined, then I was without a sexual identity for the first 21 years of my life. I totally agree with BrainFromArous.
I think that bi-sexuality (and aren’t we all a little?) gets a bad rap from the 70′s and 80′s. Seemed like it became an excuse to violate monogomy but not get in trouble. It shouldn’t matter what your sexual desires are, if you are in a commited relationship, you don’t mess around. I am not saying bisexuals used that as an excuse, but it seems like it pop-culture used it as an excuse for infidelity.
August 8th, 2006 at 7:56 am
The was an interesting line in a book called ‘Callahan’s Lady’ by Spider Robinson that goes something like this: “The lady tolerates mono-sexuals, she just doesn’t understand them.”
Going back to what Ferrous mentioned about putting everyone conveniently into a “bin”… I think with most human endevours we try to categorize just about everything, including sexuality. But in many cases this just doesn’t work.
There are many situations you hear about where someone who is straight gets into a situation that leads to a bisexual or homosexual encounter. They weren’t expecting it, or planning for it, it just happened. Does this make the person bi, or gay? Maybe, maybe not. I find the categories for anyone can change regularaly so it’s almost as if the categories themselves aren’t really worth using. As one person mentioned, they spend most of the time in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship. But when not in a relationship, the person ventures over to the otherside. This transitory effect makes putting people into distinct “bins” rather difficult. People are who they are. Forcing them into categories because it suits our purpose as humans doesn’t change they way they behave or feel.
August 8th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Seemed like it became an excuse to violate monogomy but not get in trouble.
That’s another interesting issue: If you’re in an exclusive girl-guy relationship, is sex with someone of the same gender cheating? To me, it seems like a pretty odd question, but, in my experience, I might be alone on that one. Many of my friends are in longterm, hetero setups, but when we get together it’s like a game among the girlfriends to convince the boyfriends to make out. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s hot (We’re talking slim, pretty liberal arts boys), but not with my guy!
Plus, I’ve known a number of couples, in which both members identify as bi, where each is allowed to date (or just sleep with) other people, as long as they’re of the same sex. They don’t consider it an open relationship, because they don’t think of it as equivalent in the first place.
August 9th, 2006 at 11:01 am
Well for me its pretty simple. Mono = one. So more than one is ‘cheating’. But it really all depends on how couples want to define it.
With the second example, the people have probably talked about it and even if they don’t see it as ‘open’, they are at least honest with each other. I think a big part of ‘cheating’ is the deception. If the couple has decided to define cheating as X then thats what works for them.
But from a purely theoretical, non-judgemental viewpoint, I would say they have a psuedo-open relationship. They don’t feel threatened by same-gender relationships, so they classifly them as ‘not-cheating’.
I think a similar argument as the ‘not cheating if same gender’ is used with oral and anal sex. There are alot of teenagers ‘saving’ themselves for marriage that don’t count those activities as sex (even though the second word of ‘anal sex’ is … :) )
August 9th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
“If you're in an exclusive girl-guy relationship, is sex with someone of the same gender cheating?”
Yes – next easy question? :-)
Less flippantly: if you’re in a monogamous relationship, any kind of fooling around is cheating – period. There are different degrees of cheating, of course – heavy petting isn’t on the same level as wild anal sex – but it still falls under the same banner. [And some things are borderline: e.g., flirting heavily with someone you don't intend to have sex with isn't necessarily cheating, that's just being a groin-tease.] And if a couple considers any kind of fooling around not to be cheating, they aren’t in a monogamous relationship, they’re in a (semi-)open one.
“They don't consider it an open relationship, because they don't think of it as equivalent in the first place.”
Seems like a convenient rationalization to me – “It doesn’t count if we’re just gayin’ up!” – but by definition, cheating is about breaking the rules which, as Coldstone points out, depend on how they’re defined by every couple. Everyone has their own definition of what counts as “sexual intercourse” and therefore “sexual fidelity” – and, of course, whether or not fidelity is expected / required.
It’s like there’s a Kinsey Scale for monogamy, with a 0 being “totally commited” and 6 being “total slut.” [And here I use "slut" in the gender-neutral sense, obviously.] :-)
Actually, that attitude kinda implies that they think gay relationships are inferior to straight ones – it “doesn’t count” if it isn’t with someone of the opposite gender – which would doubtless piss off many gay couples. And it begs several interesting hypotheticals, such as: which would upset them more, their partner having sex with someone of the same sex or flirting with someone of the opposite sex?
August 9th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
Well, I also believe there is no such thing as a straight man.
A small minority of men are gay, some are bi and the rest are male lesbians…
August 9th, 2006 at 10:37 pm
And then you have people like me, who really don’t give a good goddamn what others think. Heh, if someone is puzzled by my sexuality, that’s their issue. Life is simple like that. For me, anyway. It truly is.
I mean, am I really bi? Hmmm, maybe. Do I just fantasize about men and never really act on it? Could be. Have I already slept with several men? Dozens even? Perhaps. Or maybe I’ve never had anal sex before and have only given out blow jobs. Would I still be bisexual? Or maybe I have in fact been fucked from behind repeatedly, and am therefore bisexual to the umpth degree.
What I’m saying is, if I’m a mystery to the rest of the world, that’s fine by me. I suppose it gives people (and I use that term loosely) something to talk about during lunch, at the water cooler, during dinner, etc. It keeps them occupied while they’re not watching TV.
Oh, by the way, for those who don’t know me: my name is Noche and I am a bisexual genetic male.
^-^
August 10th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
I identify as a male lesbian. Its the best of both worlds, if you happen to like women a penis is a good tool to have around.
August 11th, 2006 at 10:59 am
that's just being a groin-tease.
Ooh, I haven’t heard that one before. I feel my inappropriate vocabularly growing.
It's like there's a Kinsey Scale for monogamy.
Hmm, hadn’t thought of it that way, but you certainly have a point. Although, I don’t know if it could really be a linear scale, or just, I don’t know, like a star fish. Did that make sense to anyone else?
Actually, that attitude kinda implies that they think gay relationships are inferior to straight ones.
You know, the funny thing about that is that, with one couple I have in mind, they both normally identify as gay. So you would think it’s the hetero sex they’re flippant about. But no.
A small minority of men are gay, some are bi and the rest are male lesbians"¦
Ha, I’ve heard that male lesbian one before–and it’s always a poorly diguised pick up line. “Oh, I’m so sweet. All my friends are girls. I just really care about a woman’s need. It’s like, I’m a lesbian with a penis or something”–puppy eyes, puppy eyes. If I want a man, give me a real one ;).
I suppose it gives people (and I use that term loosely) something to talk about.
What a coincidence, that what Scott and me do all day: How would you define Noche’s sexuality? We sip coffee and discuss. Because, Jesus, otherwise what is there to say? ^_^
I am a bisexual genetic male.
You know, I’ve always wondered about that definition: not that you’re not entitled to identify any way you wish–it’s just that I know a fair share of bi people, of trans people, of people born intersex, and I’ve never been able to fit your description into a normal mold. Not that that’s a bad thing…
August 11th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
What a coincidence, that what Scott and me do all day: How would you define Noche's sexuality? We sip coffee and discuss. Because, Jesus, otherwise what is there to say.
Smarty-pants! No need to feel targeted. I was talking in general terms. I happen to like you and Scott. :)
As far as the phrase "bisexual genetic male": Bisexual, meaning sexual desire for both sexes; and genetic male meaning the distinction between biological sex and gender identity — my gender identity being a mix of male and female, or transgender, which is not a sexual orientation (which you probably are aware of.)
‘Tis a tad complex, I know. :D
August 12th, 2006 at 8:38 am
Smarty-pants! No need to feel targeted.
Silly, I was just playing :P.
my gender identity being a mix of male and female, or transgender, which is not a sexual orientation.
Ah, see it’s the specific use of the word “transgender” that’s different. Normally, people identify as trans when they’ve made an attempt to shift into another gender, if not a biological sex. Being in between genders makes you… well, who knows :-).
August 12th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Normally, people identify as trans when they've made an attempt to shift into another gender, if not a biological sex.
I think the term “transgender” is more overarching than a lot of people may realize. Maybe this will help a little:
“Transgender (sometimes shortened to trans or TG) people are those whose psychological self (‘gender identity’) differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. To understand this, one must understand the difference between biological sex, which is one's body (genitals, chromosomes, ect.), and social gender, which refers to levels of masculinity and femininity.”
That’s a definition I found on the University of California at Berkeley Web site, and it’s one I happen to agree with for the most part. The second part of definition:
“An umbrella term for transsexuals, cross-dressers (transvestites), transgenderists, gender queers, and people who identify as neither female nor male and/or as neither a man or as a woman. Transgender is not a sexual orientation;transgender people may have any sexual orientation. It is important to acknowledge that while some people may fit under this definition of transgender, they may not identify as such.”
The link is posted in one of the sidebars of my Web site under “Sex Info.” :)
August 13th, 2006 at 8:09 am
I see. I mean, I understood what you were trying to say before too :-), it’s just not the most commonly accepted use of the word. And didn’t your site, earlier on, mention you as intersex? That’s another term used differently… Anyways, the point isn’t to bicker with you about how you define yourself :-), it’s just interesting that in order to say something specific that doesn’t have a word, you need something with a more ambiguous meaning.
August 13th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
That's another term used differently.
Actually, depending on the resource you use, sometimes the definition of intersexual allows for what type of sexual creature I am, sometimes not.
Funny thing about the word transgender: it’s not even included in certain dictionaries. For example, it’s omitted entirely from my 1,630-page American Heritage College dictionary.
So yeah, I’m not so surprised about the confusion.
(lol. I just pasted this text into a Microsoft Works document for spell check purposes, and there’s a red line beneath the word “intersexual,” marking it as incorrect merely because the software doesn’t recognize it.)
August 14th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
“I feel my inappropriate vocabularly growing.”
Who says the Internet can’t be edumacational?
“Although, I don't know if it could really be a linear scale, or just, I don't know, like a star fish. Did that make sense to anyone else?”
No. Perhaps you can clarify?
“So you would think it's the hetero sex they're flippant about. But no.”
Hmmm…maybe it’s social conditioning showing through? Y’know, like they accept homosexuality, but they’re still trained to think of hetero relationships as “normal,” so that’s their benchmark.
August 14th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
"Although, I don't know if it could really be a linear scale, or just, I don't know, like a star fish. Did that make sense to anyone else?" No. Perhaps you can clarify?
I just mean that the scale would have to go out in lots of different directions, since it wouldn’t just have one qualifier. Not that that makes any more sense than a starfish :).
(lol. I just pasted this text into a Microsoft Works document for spell check purposes, and there's a red line beneath the word "intersexual," marking it as incorrect merely because the software doesn't recognize it.)
Yeah, I love when that happens. Ah, the politics of common language.
August 18th, 2006 at 7:01 am
hm, I’m late to the party but I gotta chime in with a major pet peeve of mine:
I’m not bisexual or . I’m just pervy.
This causes people a lot of confusion. I hate when people can’t accept that someone is interested in voyeurism and fantasy or role play of things that they don’t actually desire. It’s not a latent or repressed desire, though most people will attribute things to some deep-seated unmet need because everyone’s an armchair psychologist these days. :D
Still, I’ve had these horrible incidents with exes and friends where I’ve revealed erotic interests I have. Anyways, I wish I could say I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of my sexuality and gender identity issues, but when it’s someone I care about and they don’t believe that I know what I want or who I am… it’s very frustrating.
Likewise, I hate when people say everyone’s a “little bi-curious” or assumes that every straight person is just repressed from exploring their queer side. And I don’t even like to get started on transgender issues because I think gender exploration is a lot more complicated than only dealing with people going to the traditional opposite of the traditional assigned gender for your physical sex. A lot of people have gender discomfort or issues but it’s not as black/white as what traditional transgender studies deals with openly. I think in the future there will be a broader dialogue about gender and sexuality, with less emphasis on a handful of incomplete labels, each loaded with misinformation and cultural BS.
People go through all sorts of gender construction and deconstruction even within the same “male” or “female” designation. There are types of men and types of women that are hardly opposite, etc. Similarly, with the complexities of gender it’s silly to think you can define your sexuality in those terms. Straight? WTF? There are probably 80% or more of the male population that I wouldn’t ever want to have sex with. EVER. Gender and sex characteristics alone can’t determine our sexual attractions so why do we define our sexuality this way?
It seems to invite a lot of needless problems and distress. Because no matter which identity you settle for there is going to be someone judging you for it (for the label and what that label means to them, regardless of who you actually are as a person or what you do). If you’re a vanilla-sex monagamous couple there’s some self-proclaimed sexpert online bashing your lifestyle and hinting that you’re just too repressed to fuck the way you *secretly* really want to fuck. If you’re a kinky pain-slut then you have someone griping about you from a moral or psych perpsective. Bisexuals get a lot of gruff (esp. bi girls from lesbian women) but if you look around everyone else is getting it pretty good from some jerk on some other side…
Everyone has their cross, so to speak, but my particular pain lately is getting crucified for a voyeuristic appetite that seems to encourage really insulting speculation on why I like this site or that video or whatever fantasy I’m currently digging on, even though at least half of it is nothing I would want to do in real life. It’s getting to where I’m going to need a freemason’s blood oath to let someone use my browser (unless I get to clear out the history and google drop-down first). ;p
August 20th, 2006 at 7:03 am
Ooh, a freemason’s blood oath–sounds kinky :P.
It’s a great point, Kelly. We’re so obsessed with labels and categories that we overlook the right to just peacefully like… whatever you like. Voyeurism is just as valid an element of sexuality as, say, sexual preference, and the one certainly doesn’t have to imply the other. Unfortunately, they’ve yet to organize an “I like to watch; deal with it” parade ;).