A handful of interesting links about relationships in MMORPG’s (see Joystiq on cheating, and the Daedalus Project on romance) has got me thinking again on a favorite question of mine: What makes online sex and/or love so appealing?
At first, we were restricted to the world of the chatrooms for our sexy internet interactions. Now, with so many MMO’s and sex-related peripherals, things are getting complicated. Still, people are meeting, flirting, and sexing it up in what seems like overwhelming numbers. Personally, I left that party long ago. But it’s still a fascinating part of online/gaming culture - one through which, I think, we can learn a lot about our needs, our attractions, and ourselves.
Cybersex, in whatever form, is fundamentally different than regular sex. For more in-depth thinking the subject, keep an eye out for an upcoming column of mine on sex and interactivity in The Escapist. My question though, is why people are so drawn to online relationships - sometimes moreso than real-life ones.
True, some argue that these relationships are simply easy substitutes for what internet goers cannot get in real life: namely, someone to love. But there are definitely people out there who are abandoning real-life interactions for the fulfillment provided only by online sex and affection.
I’ve got my own thoughts on why cybersex (both in game and out) uniquely floats people’s boats, but I’d to hear thoughts and stories…
November 11th, 2005 at 3:36 pm
I think the appeal of sex and love in a virtual realm is its fictional qualities. Instead of being who are you, you can be who you choose. Men can be women; women, men. You can be more sexy, more mysterious, more blonde, more muscle-y, and your credibility is based largely on your performance in the virtual world, which is, for a lot of people, more successful than that of the real.
Julian Dibbell’s my tiny life has several chapters dedicated to VR relationships in the text-based multi-user object oriented world called LambdaMOO, which deal, quite honestly, with his experiences in virtual transvestisism, virtual friendships, and virtual sex. It was a great read, and I (still) recommend it.
November 11th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Well certainly there is the appeal of new identity. I think we can all agree that we would love to be able to convince someone we are who we wish we were, rather than who we actually are. I think there is also the certain air of a new reality that we slip into. Online not only can you pretend to be someone else, you can sometimes convince yourself you are that someone else, an escape of epic proportions.
There are, of course, the traditional considerations of being able to have a relationship without any physical limitations or true physical intimacy. sort of a virtual hooker-jon relationship, except there is no cash exchange, no illegality, no chance of disease, and ostensibly a willingness on both parties that extends beyond simple fidicuiary concerns. It is a very interesting topic indeed and I would love to see a serious examination of the phenomenon of male-male cybersex that is based around either a hidden persona, or simply the visual representation of a female played by an acknowledged male. Not to mention the phenomenon of men playing as women in the first place. It is a very interesting area that has yet, as far as I know, to be truly examined well.
November 12th, 2005 at 2:33 pm
Interesting thoughts going around… I had a quick sec and wanted to tell you Devon that I totally agree more work needs to be done in that area. I’m personally putting together a piece for The Escapist - which will come out early next year - on tranvestitism through avatars.
November 13th, 2005 at 5:02 am
Hey Bonnie,
I think that cybersex has been misnamed, probably as a result of the cyberpunk literature that was still somewhat popular during the rise of the BBS. Not like I have any better ideas. “Collaborative erotica” seems to capture it pretty well, but doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue and whack into people’s eardrums like “cybersex”.
Under the cover anonymity I will now confess to being a complete cyber-queen! I have no illusions about the true gender of the slim yet large breasted 18-25 year old Asian full time students/part time lesbians I have met on AOL instant messenger. Or about “their” pictures. And I’m fairly sure that the guys who are contacting me when I’ve got some ridiculous cutesy-feminine screen name (see above, add more pink) and asking about sex have any illusions either.
Check this out for article material: twice now I have had a guy ask me for cybersex, and when I said yes, quoted the bible to me and asked me to repent with him. Each time, I’ve dropped that I was really a guy, and each time, the dude COMPLETELY LOST IT.
And for survey purposes: never met a guy I wanted to have sex with, so I guess I’m not RL gay. Whichever part I’m playing online, it’s the female “character” I’m thinking about/drooling over, and I’m guessing it’s the same for most of the online drag show.
November 13th, 2005 at 8:59 am
Anonymous “cyber-queen,” I fucking love you. First of all, don’t be embarrassed about your cyber-slutdom. I’ve got some pretty big cybering skeletons in my closet too. Anyways, if it’s what you prefer, I’ve got no problem with you being anonymous, but I would LOVE to do an interview with you some time. I think you’re stories could make a great non-fiction piece. And the cyber drag you’re mentioning really fascinates me. Let me know!
November 13th, 2005 at 9:40 am
Now with a moment to respond to your comments, Scott and Devon… Both you mention the appeal of being able to be someone else, the thrill of assuming identity. I would argue, to bring back the degradation and disconnect Devon points out in the second half of his comment, that the thrill here is actually, simultaneously, in the loss of identity. When you put on a new personna, you are able to lose your real one. So, perhaps, the excitement and liberation is a more masochistic one: being able to destroy yourself in creating, however flimsy, an online identity.
November 14th, 2005 at 9:54 am
You say you left the realm of MMO sex/dating long ago, which leads me to ask, how are you writing an article on it? Gotta be in the trenches if you want the real scoop. Between this and your “I just played Sims for the first time” post, you’re gonna have some credibility problems with the gaming community if you write from a perspective far outside those actually experiencing it. So, what’cha playin’ right now that involves sex? What MMOs are you involved in?
BTW, we’re also doing a transvestitism article over on MMOrgy, email me if you wanna collaborate. :)
November 14th, 2005 at 11:11 am
Hey qDot. When I say I left the cybering community, I mean chatrooms. Also, which article do you mean? The column on sex and interactivity mentioned above? That’s mostly from a theoretical perspective. Also, any article I write in that area isn’t based on my own experience - but on interviews and research with other people who are involved. As interested as I am to learn more about the actual experience of online sex, I’m in a serious relationship (like, there’s a ring on my finger), and we both agree that cybering in any form is, well, cheating - especially after reading My Tiny Life.
As for the transvestitism article, I let you know as soon as I have a read deadline for it from The Escapist. They weren’t sure what issue to put it in, so at the moment I’m waiting it out. But I’m really interested to see what your thoughts are.
November 14th, 2005 at 3:20 pm
Ah, ok, that totally makes sense. Didn’t mean to sound all angry about it, kinda didn’t reread my post until after I hit submit. :)
In terms of online sex stuff, if I can do it, I will (which has led to some interesting situations *giggle*), mainly because I write from a personal perspective (the art of the interview is lost on me, I’m an engineer that just happens to write, but actual journalism isn’t something I’m even gonna try to be good at :) ), and experiencing things from that vantage point also helps me when coming up with new project ideas. I’m in a serious relationship too (like, there’s a ball and chain on my ankle), but everything I do is in the name of research, of course (it’s a weird understanding, to be sure).
The problem with the “theoretical” side of sex writing (esp. having to due with fetishes, which MMO cybering *could* be argued as, but, well, that’s an article in and of itself) is that if you get something wrong, and the article is widely read, you can manage to piss off a lot of people, very, very quickly. That’s why I think research is pretty integral to this subject, and why I asked the question. Of course, that doesn’t have to mean personal involvement, just seems like the easiest way.
November 14th, 2005 at 7:54 pm
Hey qDot, I totally hear you. I’ll be working on re-editing that particular piece in question in the next few days, so, if you don’t mind, I’d love to send you an email some time with a couple quick excerpts to make sure you - my sexpert guinea pig - don’t have any objections (that you don’t see any holes in logic or info, that is).
November 14th, 2005 at 8:05 pm
qDot, professional online man slut, at your service.